Sometimes I come here but I feel like I've forgotten how to write, so weird, times have certainly changed since 2003, before all the social media and EVERYBODY was pouring their guts out all over the internet... and showing people how stupid they are.

For whatever reason I wanted to see if I could find a picture of Wisconsin online, and I did, but it made me sad... I found an article about him. It said he was living in the city with his girlfriend, it was dated May 2012. I don't know what made me sad about it- how everything went down, the fact that he was a user, that fact that I seem to (have been) so usable... met so many guys that just treated me like shit and had no consideration for me. So of course there's no reason to feel sad about weird W, who was weird-- and obviously had hangups, sexual (he seemed shy about showing me his penis) and emotional (would make a connection and then disappear). I should say GOOD RIDDANCE, MOTHERFUCKER. And sometimes I get so angry when I think about all the crap I took from all those guys- even Frank- ideally, now, I know that the minute he started expressing doubts about me, saying that he felt no passion, he loved me like a brother but not like a lover... this man who had, in the beginning, passionately pursued me, told me he loved me the first night we spent together, even though he thought I was sleeping and didn't hear him, who took pains to woo me, but slowly cooled- this man who had lured me into HIS fucking trap and then acted as if somehow I was confused about us loving each other- as soon as he expressed those doubts, I should have left him. I was hot, I was a dancer, I was 16 years his junior, and I certainly didn't need to be hanging around some old rigid man who was creating drama about whether or not I was lovable. FUCK HIM. Fuck them all. When I think about how I have turned myself inside out for these piece of shit men in my life, it's embarrassing. How lost I have been.

If only. If only. If only I was stronger then, if only I had more self-esteem. If only I hadn't been so... decimated by my childhood experiences, the lack of nurturing, then maybe I could have had the wherewithall to walk away. Now I can only look back and say, if only. Because that was the best I could do, back then. It really was.

I was scared, all the time. Oftentimes so scared but not even knowing that I was. Now when I look back, from a slightly more solid place, I see that I was running like a rabbit, clinging, clinging to anything that was familiar but not safe.

Now, I am here, single. Probably will not birth and breastfeed children, which was a dream of mine. But the relationship never materialized. My friend Trent said having kids is not all it's cracked up to be- he's got two teenaged girls that are a wreck, it's worse now than ever- internet, technology, drugs, sex, disease, economy, war. Or maybe I didn't have kids because some part of me knows that having them opens up a whole other realm of karma- your contract with another being... and my higher self wants to move it along, be done with it.

In any case, I have to move on, remember my freedom, clean up my messes. Do my best. Keep my eye on the prize, which is not money, but BEING. I just need to BE.

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