Dear Diary,

Am I getting better? I don't know. I hadn't eaten sugar in a week, but today, in a fit of craving, I had a gluten-free pecan sandie with peanut butter on it. No chocolate, which is the trigger food... also, there were three cookies, but I felt done after two. Then I noticed that I felt... different... I'm not sure how, but more down on myself, and irritated. So, sugar is like my drug, but the "high" must be really short lived.

Otherwise, I didn't do much today. I woke up early, couldn't help it- and I went to get a blood test. A couple weeks ago I went to a real western doctor, which I have not been to in, oh, 18 YEARS. Yes, that's right- after the surgery, I felt so BETRAYED by doctors and the western medical system that I just never went back. Well, maybe you don't understand, Diary, but it was a big deal for me to go into the doctor's office. I was so relieved to learn that they no longer require you to strip naked and sit in a little paper gown. I kept my regular clothes on, got my weight and blood pressure taken, my heart and lungs listened to, my stomach felt... curiously, he did not look at my throat or in my ears... but ok. So he ordered blood tests.

My mother has been a total bitch about the whole thing. For some reason, she thinks my healthcare choices are her business? She was upset that I didn't choose to go to her doctor. She was upset that I didn't intend to eat anything before I went for the blood test- "but he didn't say you had to fast!" Who cares? Why not get the more accurate, clear blood test if you can? I don't know what it is- well that's not true, actually, it's the same as always- my mother is invasive and I guess cannot distinguish my individual experience from hers, so she tries to force me to do what she wants. It's very triggering, since she put a lot of pressure on me to have the surgery when I wasn't ready. That's really the only reason I did it- so people would stop bothering me about it. So, now I'm very sensitive about my healthcare choices and I don't really think I should have to explain myself or tell people, like my mom, my aunt, etc. what I'm choosing. For instance, someone will come right out and ask if I've had a mammogram, and I feel like saying, "It's really none of your FUcKING BUsINESS!" Maybe I should just start saying that. Because really, it isn't. There was actually a few occasions where my mother tried to ask me about going to a doctor in mixed company. I mean really, fuck you. Or the lady I work with, I told her I had a doctor's appointment and she started asking all these personal questions about it- what's wrong with people? Of course maybe that's just because that's what old people talk about- their aches and pains. She told me that she had an abcess in her perineum and it hurt when she took a poo. Do I need to know that? Absolutely NOT.

I'm dancing and selling some jewelry on Sunday, so I have some prep to do, but that's what I've been doing today- making jewelry and doing stuff for myself- rather than procrastinating the shit out of everything and feeling obligated to hang out with ZZ or do this for so and so... sometimes I think ZZ just thinks I am retired, or something, because she is, and that's just an example of a narcissistic person not being able to see me. I love her but she is like that. I always feel a lot of guilt and like I let her down when I don't run and hang out with her, but part of me feels like she doesn't really remember what it's like to work and be tired, or even reference that I have my own life.

Well, I'm getting distracted, so better short and sweet than nothing at all.

Love,
Duck

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