Dear Diary,

So it turns out that Alphie did not even go to the concert with Gail and Marie... he ignored Marie's texts and calls for the week before, and it wasn't until a bunch of other people texted him that he said he wasn't feeling well and he didn't think he could go... but that he was also working and he had three private sessions. Gail said they were obviously lies and she couldn't understand why other people accept his shit and don't call him on it. She felt that he just didn't want to hang out with them... even though Marie spent $300 on a concert ticket for him, and it was her birthday, and they have known each other for years, are former lovers, and still work together.

All this proves to me that I have made the right decision. Alphie hasn't changed that much, and being his friend just means putting up with being treated like an extension of him that he puts his attention on when he needs something. Otherwise, you are just another resource that may or may not be used at his leisure. I can't understand why Russell and Petra keep bringing him up in conversations and seeming desperate that I have him back in my life.

Basically Marie told him she can't be friends with him anymore, and he had some robotic response that he was sorry she felt that way, but he also remarked that he has been losing a lot of friends. In a normal person, this might cause one to look at one's behavior and treatment of others as an explanation for the mass exodus, but I really don't know if Alphie has that skill. He is super damaged, that is clear, and definitely one of the most manipulative, selfish people I know, right up there with CF, my former boss.

At any rate, I feel once again that I have made the right decision. I never get any kind of feedback about him doing the right thing, although Russell made a point to say that he is much more considerate and doesn't mess up peoples' houses that much. Big deal. Apparently too he is now making thousands of dollars YET lives rent free with Russell, who has made huge steps in helping Alphie invest his money so he will have some when he is older. Alphie has always used Russell as a resource, does not pay him back or strive in any way to make the relationship equal.

So that's enough of that. I did talk to Petra on Sunday, she's also had EBV and is going to send me info that may help me. She sounds really happy these days, fulfilled in her own life and running her own practice. I am very happy for her.

Yesterday I skyped into my class with Serena, which was pretty cool. I have been listening to recordings of the classes (sometimes months afterward) so it was nice to "be" in class in real time, able to ask questions and see people. I'm hoping I can do that regularly.

Have yet to be able to contact Emily. She feels pretty slippery. Gail says that intuitively she gets that Emily is "so far up her boyfriend's ass because she's extremely ungrounded in her relationship" that it's only when she finds an extra pocket of time that she will try to have a connection with me, but not to take it personally. This was so right on as far as Emily is concerned that I was once again impressed with Gail's intuitive ability. I can empathize with Emily because she is SO insecure about this guy whom I feel is just NOT worth the trouble- she used to be stunningly beautiful, but it seems that after she got involved with him she really lost some of that beauty somehow. Inside I think she is so insecure because her father is so unavailable, and however cliche, it is, there you go- she's just repeating the pattern with Mr. G.

ZZ has gone to her house down south. I see her pretty regularly but she has been driving me a little nuts with her Chicken Little view of the world... always looking for the next bad thing that's going to happen. Plus I have noticed she has an annoying habit of thinking she's really humble, but she finds a way to brag to everyone she talks to, i.e. even though she used to be very poor growing up and when she was raising her kids, and considers herself not to care about money, somehow she manages to tell everybody how she goes to Mexico in the winter, and how she owns three homes, and how she's had tens of thousands of dollars worth of stem cells injected into her. It is tedious, because if we happen to run into someone on the road while we are walking the dog, or someone at an event, the conversation is always the same, no matter how well she knows the person. Also, one time we met up with my friend who lives about an hour away. My friend is a retired nurse, and ZZ had to start talking about her stem cells, and my friend didn't really engage. Then afterward ZZ kind of ripped my friend apart, saying she was a nurse yet she wasn't even interested in breakthrough medical techniques. Well my friend is kind of the same person I knew 20 years ago from the lake, and that in my opinion is the problem with the lake, it is supposed to be very progressive but I don't actually see people changing that much... but anyway, some people don't keep doing their work, or get caught up in life somehow, and the compassionate thing to do would be to meet them where they are, and not try to force your vision on them every chance you get. Sometimes they simply cannot process new information because their systems simply cannot handle it, for whatever reason. And ZZ, who claims to be very new age and often talks about compassion, actually has very little to none when it comes down to it. She wants everyone to see it her way. The frustrating thing is that she is also very underinformed about a lot of things- such as health issues. She took some magic formula and pooped out some parasites one time, and now she thinks she's cured herself of parasites. The truth about parasites is that they are difficult to get rid of and require a consistent and longterm process because they have various cycles, one of which is to go dormant and become undetectable. There is a dormant egg stage and a larva stage and an adult stage. They are tricky. They have an intelligence which has allowed them to survive for thousands of years- so, my understanding is that there is no "magic pill" to get rid of them. But ZZ doesn't actually read into anything that she doesn't want to believe. She posts tons of things on her FB to the tune of "get rid of cancer with baking soda" and in truth I think half the things she posts she doesn't even read, she just goes by the title- she doesn't do any further investigation into anything, including her Chicken Little fears. She just thinks everything is "the news" without actually checking the sources. She told me that the Pacific Ocean is dead, because she read it on the "news" on FB.

I'm just writing this all here because it annoys the shit out of me, and who else can I tell? It may seem petty that I trash my friends, I know I have a bad habit of that, but I'm trying not to do that in real life, so I figure if I dump my trash here, what difference does it make? I still love her, and I'm sure that stuff I do makes my friends crazy too.

Love,
Duck

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